Goodnight

With a look of oblivious faith,
She smiled
The lies are hidden
Not so deep within.
The tears are unkempt
In her darkest dreams.


Now,
With a look of obliviousness
She smiled at me
The hidden lies are out
While the tears are hurriedly buried.

She talks of some lively moments
And after the following silence
She laughs without a sign of despair
Abusing him, she says she is okay
While her eyes dance
A different love story

A goodnight and a hug
Her language reads
With a 'talk to me',
I am politely asked to leave
Walking out of the door
I turn to see
A tear finally rolling down her cheek
Streaking her identity.

Runaway

The song, it killed her. Had she been in a state to talk, she would have. But the mind is a clever little thing. Or not so much. Not at the required time at least. She couldn’t reach a decision. No, not with Nothing Else Matters playing in the background. She took off her headphones, and looked up at the night sky. There it was. But where was he? What was he thinking?

“I need to be strong. Or so says everyone. But this isn’t me. I m not giving this any thought. But the decision was made. On my behalf.”

Her hands reached for her cup of strong coffee. She needed to think it over. But for what? There isn’t any point anyway. Drinking and slurping, she couldn’t help but turn the lights on. She moved. Only if that was a “she moved on”, how much more happiness that one word could have been. But well, it wasn’t.

“Okay. I smile. I laugh. Minni is apparently proud of me. My parents trust me. My friends think it hasn’t affected me. Well I don’t really show that it has. Has it, actually? I knew it wouldn’t last. But I wanted it to. Hell.”

She slurps. Laying her hands on her cell phone, she opened her contact list.

“Staring at the screen won’t help ma’am. Come on now.”

Finally deleting that one name, she decided to wade through memories. At slow pace. Chats. Talks. SMS. One by one, all of them were deleted. She doesn’t hear them. She tries to not read them. She stares, and hits the delete option every single time.

“It was all fake, wasn’t it? I was faking it. I hate myself. No, I hate him. No. I can’t.”

She sees the video. The credits. They were funny. She switches it off. That reminds her of that one piece he wrote on some webpage.

“I can’t delete that.”

She doesn’t. What bout the music list. She tries hearing some songs. Her list was topped by lips of an angel, learning to breathe, Romeo and Juliet, far away, cold,

“I never really wanted you to see the screwed up side of me that I keep. Locked inside of me so deep. I never really wanted you to go. So many things you should have known. ”

, please forgive me, runaway, it’s not over. The list wouldn’t end. But the tears never came.

Never.

Sure?

Weak inside
You scream for love
Yet all you get are screams,
Internal and eternal

You feel the pain
You feel the morose
But you feel you won’t yet give up
Not yet, at least.

Stare at the sky for some inspiration
A blank stare into a vast ocean
You want to swim
And now you want to fly

Oh but darling
Because your feet are curled
Doesn’t necessarily mean
You might touch the sky

It is best to not let hopes soar
To a height hitherto unknown of!
For its ok to be weak
But always
Always, be sure.

Pervertness!

Okay. Expect me to have no expectations.

That solves the entire problem.

For afterall where would we be

If we wouldn’t contradict

Who we are and who we want to be?

When u are told to have no thoughts

U think “no thoughts”

And that revolves round and then up

And ultimately brings u down

But u THINK

And u think.

Stark clear; that is life

We complicate

And we twist and turn

Confiscating ourselves

To us, to them, to him, to her, to some higher form

To someone.

Sometime.

Limitless; that is our reach

Boundless; that is us

Yet we all depend on being heard

For after all

Hopeless perverted-ness is our forte!

A Consortium of Loose Thoughts

It’s a nice wind. It’s been days, maybe weeks since there was such a nice breeze around. Man, wasn’t that a clichéd thought process. Anyway, maybe I should hit the lake. That place always brings out the “serene” me. Plus they are cute guys around. But there weren’t any the last 2 times, missy. Anyway maybe one doesn’t need lakes and stuff. Its just plain speculation of and about life after all. But that place it makes u want to be calm. Oh but wait, nothing makes u want to do things; u make yourself do things. Shit. I should stop watching that freaking Aastha channel. It is making me sound so 30ish. Just like I am about to attain sainthood. And that’s what 20 years before menopause. Okay. Bad line of thought. And as someone might put it a perverted line of thought. That’s the problem u know, from one thread like thought to another. And Potter actually made it look like thread. Blue shiny silvery thoughts at that. Eeks. Plus Potter’s 6^th movie out on 16^th July. So Potter is back in town B-). Man. I had to talk to dad about the payment thingy. But then I’ll get some pathetic lectures about guys or maybe even about colleges. But then u gotta do what u gotta do.

*Phone break*

Phew! That went well. No lecture. He thinks I am so for Symbiosis. Well obviously I am. I have got my reasons. But then what exactly? Would I still go there if I get through Stephen’s or Xaviers’s? Will I will I? Mom. She might help. But she is really pissed off now-a-days. Screw offices. I guess I’ll ask her. But then it will be my choice in the end. Which brings forth the initial problem. English hons or mass comm? What? How? Why? Someone answer me damn it! Pros and cons. Pros: I get to be in Pune. I’d like that. All the CCDs (*Drools*). Anyway. Anyway, back to the point. So, pune. Then a good reputed college. Plus a supposed all accepting atmosphere. Nice place. The end. Okay just a nice place? That’s good enough? For three years? Ok. The cons list already began. So. Ah! I get to meet Wasim if I go to Pune. Ha. That was like the number one reason (Yes readers it was :P ) . Anyway, cons. 1 year old program. Very far from home (Pro? ). And I’ll have to do a paper on photography. Well it could be interesting but of course I’ll wreck havoc. That too my own kind. Ha again. Plus English Hons is like English and only English. But I’d like that. Infact, I’d love it. But as mom happily pointed out, I loved PCM before 11^th and 12^th. Sarcasm Mom Two similar words for me. Homonyms? Yeah. And I cracked SET. Or so I think. Again. Symbiosis. What will I do? I guess Mom is the word again. So? F.R.E.I.N.D.S. And Nirvana should have called by now. I swear. “Exam at 9 not at 3. I m scrood.” U can bet your your foot-n-a-half u r(Nice phrase that btw :D ). And then his exam was good. Specimen. The g**d (It’s a nice word people. Not the hindi “bad” word. Synonym for nice in a way.) guy specimen. Malvika. Another specimen. The lost specimen. Call, cant even call me once. Call. Nirvana – call. The brilliant silent mode.

*Phone break*

Okay. Now I want to talk to people. Who? Wasim? Nah. The “so-so”s took place in the afternoon. That too for an hour. Surprisingly. Nice. Monosyllabic forever. Ok so Maith? That’d be girly. Okay. Bhai? Nah. The night. Coffee Shake!!!

*Coffee Break*

Ice. In the bleeding mixie is better. Anyway, ice cream helps. A lot. Whatever. Music. Music is what is missing. And I need new songs. My own song collection. My own freakin’ lappy. I deserve it. I cracked the boards. “ Yeah harp on about how u cracked em; all ur life.” – Mom’s can be so rude (N this one can be really sarcastic). Whatever whatever whatever. It is best to sit outside. Smell the air. Breathe it. Taste it. And maybe I should stop talking like I m gay.

Foot note: What are the cute names for guys? :O

Someone tell me.

Please.

Life's a Carnival at Best

Stare at the sea
See the emptiness
That stems out of every single drop
It is way deeper than u can imagine.
And it is way under out horizon.

Notice the sun setting
See the rays retreating
See the birds twitter about
Watch them
As they fly away
As far as possible.
Just far away.

Watch.
Watch as we are left to ourselves.
To feed on each other's happiness
And to lead a carnival
A carnival of life.

Thoughts

Is a funny feeling, or so they say. In reality it is a daze. Everything is. Can’t get around to do that thing you should be doing? Blame it on him. Can’t get that girly song out of your head? Of course, it is his fault. Its his mistake all the way and al the time. Period. But this is not about what u are thinking. No, no, no. Nah, it is not great. Fantabulous, u say? Yeah, right. No. Seriously. You are right. Okay. Wrong. Btu it is great. But then how long will the [Air quotes] “greatness” [/Air quotes] last? As long as u want it to. That is the correct answer. Ain’t it? Come on say it now! Anyway, I learnt this thing recently. Want to know (Yes, yes thank u, u human who caries Kurt Cobain’s legacy forward)? The thing is, “anyways” is not a word (even though it does not give an error in MS word) And to think I used to use it use it in every piece of whatever-it-is-I-wrote. Well is it really a common mistake. Chiming ‘Who cares, anyways?’ are u? Join the club then! By the way if somehow u are reading this I’d advise u to read it fast; because then u get this grin on your face and u think u can actually relate to this load of random sentences; which u might on second thoughts. Yeah, so want to know what else I found out? I found out that my English is not even next to the “exemplary” (air quote ‘em again if u please and yes I used spell check to get the right spelling *Nods in shameful disgust*) thing it should have been. Uh, actually was made out to be. Thanks to me friends i.e. Anyway that’s not the point. The point is that I have to get into a college A worthwhile college. First it was was about getting some marks. Now it is PIs and GDs. I need a break and I need knowledge. Then the “insecurity” (air quotes, air quotes) hits me, whatif it is not media? If I am not into this whole thing now, how will I ever be? Maybe it is just English for me. Or maybe its just a hobby. But I like this hobby. A lot. It is what I am best at. I can’t and I won’t back out. It’s the only thing I remotely get. Or so I d like to believe ( ;) ). But politics? That is not what I bargained for. But then u gotta do what u gotta do. And then I NEED to get out> For various reasons of course; inclusive of independence, “exposure” (Yes, yes air quotes), a life and fun of course. Uh, there’s also the fact that I want to meet a few guys. Literally. Yes, yes that was a second thought only! I swear that was the chronological order. Pinky swear. So, scratch my surface. There’s a lot. Yeah, I don’t know half the stuff or lets make that 3/4^th. But I’ll get to it. Eventually. I cracked the boards didn’t I? And c’mon no one expected me to. I was skeptical enough myself. But I did do it in the end. Self confidence or over confidence. Take your pick. I’ll work it out. I swear. I promise. And here I am promising stuff to myself. Speaks volumes. Can’t let anyone down. And can’t let me down. Won’t