Thursday, December 17, 2009
Out of the glass window
Through the tinted glass
She saw only tears
On the reflecting glass
She saw only dewdrops
Of her own stunning face
She smiled to herself
Dreaming of what was
And what had been
She stood transfixed
Just as she moved
Only her hands
With tremble in her feet
To oil the dampness
Of her hair
As she stood there still
She smiled to herself
I wish I could have seen her
Uneasy and discomforted
Not devoid of human emotions
In the shower
With hot water pouring; purring,
In her silent wake
While she stood there
Thinking of things
Thinking of ways
When she stood there
She was smiling to herself
The Wandering Mind.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
It flowed in just like a gush of water would hit my small intestines. The oesophagus would face it’s challenges. Just like my face did that second.
My face was yellow, the eyebrows straight, the nose snorting and inflamed. I couldn’t concentrate. But I had his image in my head. I could just about think about the black flowing satin shirt. His skin was soft. Just like that of a 3 year old. The touch gave me goosebumps. No, it was the feeling of his touch that did. It came pretty easy. The stage lights, however, burned away those feelings.
At this point of time, I could sense that the only audience I had was grinning. Or maybe it was a smile. Whatever it was, it was the cutest stretch of of skin I had seen, for a long time. I hadn’t found someone as adorable and yet as smart as the one sitting in front of me. I hadn’t felt the urge to look up and stare into someone’s eyes so bad. I resisted. I let them, instead, burn holes in the wooden floor. But he stared at me. Stared at me and glared. He didn’t feel the tension in the air. The tension was in the air around me. He obviously didn’t feel a thing. But I had expected it to be different.
The music in me, then lashed out. I sang. The glass didn’t break. The sun outside did not vanish. Neither did Sinatra turn in his grave. He however continued grinning. He grinned straight through the 3 minutes of the song.
The empty hall didn’t help me. The empty chairs didn’t. His grin did. His grin didn’t. It evoked the song. It evoked the song in me. The lonely staircase leading to the stage didn’t help me. Nothing did. Only beer could. But that was far away. It was right next to him. It was a few meters away. It was with him. The tension in me reached it’s zenith. I wanted to grab it. The need was urgent. Urgent enough to make me forget where I was standing.
I was in front of him, on a stage, staring at the wooden floor with a flaming stomach, with the want of beer, maybe of something more; but a want none-the-less. I was imagining. He was up here, right next to the air near my nose. I could have reached out by a centi-meter and felt any muscle I wanted to. Rather I wanted to. I had an immediate reaction to that. The stimulus was way too appreciable. The want way too deep. Just as my hand moved half a centi-meter upwards, I awoke from the dream. I was there. I was in front of him, on a stage, staring at the wooden floor with a flaming stomach, with the want of beer, maybe of something more. Yes, it was a want anyway.
A “Thank You” was all that I could muster, instead. I didn’t dare to look up. I couldn’t bear the idea of looking up to see him stare back at me and smile, his cute little smile. But I still wanted to. I wanted to know if was grinning. I wanted to know if he would offer me a beer. I wanted to occupy the seat next to him and make the auditorium look fuller, maybe even scarier for every new prospective entry. I wanted to know if it was a smile.
But I left as he whispered “Next”.
I shook the hand of the next contestant. A little too enthusiastically at that.
And I looked up. Finally.
He was still smiling. Or maybe it was him, smiling. The face remained in front of me and my eyes. The expression hadn’t changed. I tried changing my focus to the vastness of the auditorium. I did. I couldn’t. My eyes swept back.
I looked at Sid introducing herself, on stage. I could feel the tension again.
This wasn’t right.
“Ma’am , coffee?”
I turned. The co-ordinator was there with a cup of steaming milk and Nestle coffee powder. After mixing and then stirring, I dared to look up again. The same expression on the same face; it haunted me. It haunted me even though he was right there, in front of me.
Anyhow, I turned to try and talk to the same co-ordinator. He stood there, looking at me. He too was grinning.
I decided to walk away. I did. I couldn’t take the looks. I couldn’t take his eyes. Their eyes at me, together, I couldn’t take that.
It seemed like the music was leaving me. The overwhelming feeling never came this time. The instinct ti add another rift to the song didn’t come. I was disappointed. And appalled. I hadn’t expected any such reaction.
I sat in the rusty Opel waiting outside.
I was half way through smiling.
I stopped myself.
I talked to my thoughts. I wandered through them. Blades of green grass under the blue sky; I was dreaming again. Shouldn’t happen.
Why isn’t the head working its path? As usual?
Why do I have 5 threads to catch and one to tread on?
I went back to the first though of the day.
I wasn’t wrong. It hadn’t been right the entire day. The tension was now missing. It wasn’t. It was in me.
He felt it again. He couldn’t take it. He knew it wasn’t right. He had felt it the entire day. It had been a nightmare. A plethora of meetings, an odd number of seat beads dangling and flashes of fake smiles; that had been his day. His feeling of uneasiness, of discomfort hadn’t vanished for a nano—second throughout. It seemed highly unlikely that the same would change for the night. Living through it, he wanted to smile genuinely. He awaited the arrival of his wife.
A car creaked outside. The tires screeched. It was obviously his son. Here ws another thing that wasn’t right. At least for that day.
Both, then tried to smile at each other and for each other. As their smiles spiraled down, he walked out, leaving his son alone. This wasn’t right. Again.
Time passed. The clock seemed to be ticking slower than usual. The hour hand had been frozen on 11 for many a hours or so he had himself believe.
This so wasn’t right.
Slowly it defrosted. Then 12 froze in and over.
The silence however was not broken. Not be a bird, not by a gramophone, not by screams of children; there was silence. Pure golden silence. It lasted till another car screeched. This however, was much more of a softer screech. It made him feel better. It made him smile.
Afterall, this might just be right. Maybe finally the new day had begun.
As she walked in, he smiled.
I walked into my house.
Was it a home?
Thoughts in the form of tokens of the past two years floated in my brain, here and there, from one neuron to another. I was still engulfed in that auditorium. Engulfed I was, in the emptiness of the auditorium, of his eyes, of him.
I opened the door. My face was blank.
I hadn’t felt ‘that’ way for a very long time. I hadn’t felt it for a longer time.
But as I walked in, he smiled.
I knew he was smiling. I didn’t mix it with a grin. There was no way I could.
It was a smile. Not a grin.
I forgot the past 2 hours. The last 2 years flashed past.
It was all right.
Friday, August 21, 2009
What is her story? That in itself is another story. For there is more to a stare, than eye contact. There is more to blinking than eyelashes. There is a depth in every word. In every action. And there is light in every dark step.
Shadow, that is her other name.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
With that emotionless bundle
Yes, she passed me by.
Staring with blank eyes
She didn't look straight
She craved for a smile.
While she just passed me by
With that blank face.
Walk on; scream for your life
No, the skies don't inspire
Water isn't (her) perspire.
On the face of it
Dormant earthquakes; so sly.
Now, the snake sneaks out
Lurking around, it slithers through
And with that emotionless bundle
That blank stare
Her dreams slither with that snake
In or out, take a calm guess. :)
Monday, July 20, 2009
The lies are hidden
Not so deep within.
The tears are unkempt
In her darkest dreams.
With a look of obliviousness
She smiled at me
The hidden lies are out
While the tears are hurriedly buried.
She talks of some lively moments
And after the following silence
She laughs without a sign of despair
Abusing him, she says she is okay
While her eyes dance
A different love story
A goodnight and a hug
Her language reads
With a 'talk to me',
I am politely asked to leave
Walking out of the door
I turn to see
A tear finally rolling down her cheek
Streaking her identity.
Monday, June 1, 2009
“I need to be strong. Or so says everyone. But this isn’t me. I m not giving this any thought. But the decision was made. On my behalf.”
Her hands reached for her cup of strong coffee. She needed to think it over. But for what? There isn’t any point anyway. Drinking and slurping, she couldn’t help but turn the lights on. She moved. Only if that was a “she moved on”, how much more happiness that one word could have been. But well, it wasn’t.
“Okay. I smile. I laugh. Minni is apparently proud of me. My parents trust me. My friends think it hasn’t affected me. Well I don’t really show that it has. Has it, actually? I knew it wouldn’t last. But I wanted it to. Hell.”
She slurps. Laying her hands on her cell phone, she opened her contact list.
“Staring at the screen won’t help ma’am. Come on now.”
Finally deleting that one name, she decided to wade through memories. At slow pace. Chats. Talks. SMS. One by one, all of them were deleted. She doesn’t hear them. She tries to not read them. She stares, and hits the delete option every single time.
“It was all fake, wasn’t it? I was faking it. I hate myself. No, I hate him. No. I can’t.”
She sees the video. The credits. They were funny. She switches it off. That reminds her of that one piece he wrote on some webpage.
“I can’t delete that.”
She doesn’t. What bout the music list. She tries hearing some songs. Her list was topped by lips of an angel, learning to breathe, Romeo and Juliet, far away, cold,
“I never really wanted you to see the screwed up side of me that I keep. Locked inside of me so deep. I never really wanted you to go. So many things you should have known. ”
, please forgive me, runaway, it’s not over. The list wouldn’t end. But the tears never came.
Friday, May 8, 2009
You scream for love
Yet all you get are screams,
Internal and eternal
You feel the pain
You feel the morose
But you feel you won’t yet give up
Not yet, at least.
Stare at the sky for some inspiration
A blank stare into a vast ocean
You want to swim
And now you want to fly
Oh but darling
Because your feet are curled
Doesn’t necessarily mean
You might touch the sky
It is best to not let hopes soar
To a height hitherto unknown of!
For its ok to be weak
Always, be sure.
Okay. Expect me to have no expectations.
That solves the entire problem.
For afterall where would we be
If we wouldn’t contradict
Who we are and who we want to be?
When u are told to have no thoughts
U think “no thoughts”
And that revolves round and then up
And ultimately brings u down
But u THINK
And u think.
Stark clear; that is life
And we twist and turn
To us, to them, to him, to her, to some higher form
Limitless; that is our reach
Boundless; that is us
Yet we all depend on being heard
For after all
Hopeless perverted-ness is our forte!
It’s a nice wind. It’s been days, maybe weeks since there was such a nice breeze around. Man, wasn’t that a clichéd thought process. Anyway, maybe I should hit the lake. That place always brings out the “serene” me. Plus they are cute guys around. But there weren’t any the last 2 times, missy. Anyway maybe one doesn’t need lakes and stuff. Its just plain speculation of and about life after all. But that place it makes u want to be calm. Oh but wait, nothing makes u want to do things; u make yourself do things. Shit. I should stop watching that freaking Aastha channel. It is making me sound so 30ish. Just like I am about to attain sainthood. And that’s what 20 years before menopause. Okay. Bad line of thought. And as someone might put it a perverted line of thought. That’s the problem u know, from one thread like thought to another. And Potter actually made it look like thread. Blue shiny silvery thoughts at that. Eeks. Plus Potter’s 6th movie out on 16th July. So Potter is back in town B-). Man. I had to talk to dad about the payment thingy. But then I’ll get some pathetic lectures about guys or maybe even about colleges. But then u gotta do what u gotta do.
Phew! That went well. No lecture. He thinks I am so for Symbiosis. Well obviously I am. I have got my reasons. But then what exactly? Would I still go there if I get through Stephen’s or Xaviers’s? Will I will I? Mom. She might help. But she is really pissed off now-a-days. Screw offices. I guess I’ll ask her. But then it will be my choice in the end. Which brings forth the initial problem. English hons or mass comm? What? How? Why? Someone answer me damn it! Pros and cons. Pros: I get to be in Pune. I’d like that. All the CCDs (*Drools*). Anyway. Anyway, back to the point. So, pune. Then a good reputed college. Plus a supposed all accepting atmosphere. Nice place. The end. Okay just a nice place? That’s good enough? For three years? Ok. The cons list already began. So. Ah! I get to meet Wasim if I go to Pune. Ha. That was like the number one reason (Yes readers it was :P ) . Anyway, cons. 1 year old program. Very far from home (Pro? ). And I’ll have to do a paper on photography. Well it could be interesting but of course I’ll wreck havoc. That too my own kind. Ha again. Plus English Hons is like English and only English. But I’d like that. Infact, I’d love it. But as mom happily pointed out, I loved PCM before 11th and 12th. Sarcasm Mom Two similar words for me. Homonyms? Yeah. And I cracked SET. Or so I think. Again. Symbiosis. What will I do? I guess Mom is the word again. So? F.R.E.I.N.D.S. And Nirvana should have called by now. I swear. “Exam at 9 not at 3. I m scrood.” U can bet your your foot-n-a-half u r(Nice phrase that btw :D ). And then his exam was good. Specimen. The g**d (It’s a nice word people. Not the hindi “bad” word. Synonym for nice in a way.) guy specimen. Malvika. Another specimen. The lost specimen. Call, cant even call me once. Call. Nirvana – call. The brilliant silent mode.
Okay. Now I want to talk to people. Who? Wasim? Nah. The “so-so”s took place in the afternoon. That too for an hour. Surprisingly. Nice. Monosyllabic forever. Ok so Maith? That’d be girly. Okay. Bhai? Nah. The night. Coffee Shake!!!
Ice. In the bleeding mixie is better. Anyway, ice cream helps. A lot. Whatever. Music. Music is what is missing. And I need new songs. My own song collection. My own freakin’ lappy. I deserve it. I cracked the boards. “ Yeah harp on about how u cracked em; all
Foot note: What are the cute names for guys? :O
Someone tell me.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
See the emptiness
That stems out of every single drop
It is way deeper than u can imagine.
And it is way under out horizon.
Notice the sun setting
See the rays retreating
See the birds twitter about
As they fly away
As far as possible.
Just far away.
Watch as we are left to ourselves.
To feed on each other's happiness
And to lead a carnival
A carnival of life.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Is a funny feeling, or so they say. In reality it is a daze. Everything is. Can’t get around to do that thing you should be doing? Blame it on him. Can’t get that girly song out of your head? Of course, it is his fault. Its his mistake all the way and al the time. Period. But this is not about what u are thinking. No, no, no. Nah, it is not great. Fantabulous, u say? Yeah, right. No. Seriously. You are right. Okay. Wrong. Btu it is great. But then how long will the [Air quotes] “greatness” [/Air quotes] last? As long as u want it to. That is the correct answer. Ain’t it? Come on say it now! Anyway, I learnt this thing recently. Want to know (Yes, yes thank u, u human who caries Kurt Cobain’s legacy forward)? The thing is, “anyways” is not a word (even though it does not give an error in MS word) And to think I used to use it use it in every piece of whatever-it-is-I-wrote. Well is it really a common mistake. Chiming ‘Who cares, anyways?’ are u? Join the club then! By the way if somehow u are reading this I’d advise u to read it fast; because then u get this grin on your face and u think u can actually relate to this load of random sentences; which u might on second thoughts. Yeah, so want to know what else I found out? I found out that my English is not even next to the “exemplary” (air quote ‘em again if u please and yes I used spell check to get the right spelling *Nods in shameful disgust*) thing it should have been. Uh, actually was made out to be. Thanks to me friends i.e. Anyway that’s not the point. The point is that I have to get into a college A worthwhile college. First it was was about getting some marks. Now it is PIs and GDs. I need a break and I need knowledge. Then the “insecurity” (air quotes, air quotes) hits me, whatif it is not media? If I am not into this whole thing now, how will I ever be? Maybe it is just English for me. Or maybe its just a hobby. But I like this hobby. A lot. It is what I am best at. I can’t and I won’t back out. It’s the only thing I remotely get. Or so I d like to believe ( ;) ). But politics? That is not what I bargained for. But then u gotta do what u gotta do. And then I NEED to get out> For various reasons of course; inclusive of independence, “exposure” (Yes, yes air quotes), a life and fun of course. Uh, there’s also the fact that I want to meet a few guys. Literally. Yes, yes that was a second thought only! I swear that was the chronological order. Pinky swear. So, scratch my surface. There’s a lot. Yeah, I don’t know half the stuff or lets make that 3/4th. But I’ll get to it. Eventually. I cracked the boards didn’t I? And c’mon no one expected me to. I was skeptical enough myself. But I did do it in the end. Self confidence or over confidence. Take your pick. I’ll work it out. I swear. I promise. And here I am promising stuff to myself. Speaks volumes. Can’t let anyone down. And can’t let me down. Won’t
Not a sound
But the sound of the clock
It says three
But there’s no sleep
Not anywhere around me
Thoughts, if that is what they are called
They engulf me like a snowstorm
And then they bid adieu
Leaving the mind
As blank as a whipped blackboard
A tear might have dropped
But the cold freezes it in the eye
And then there is cackling laughter
For after all it is a day so bright
Well at least on the outside.
Staring at the wall
A thought passes by
I wonder if it is that easy
Is it that easy to say goodbye?
There is a tear
There is pain
But that is soon laid to rest
With all the memories she did possess
Won’t you say something
Just to make her see
If she remembers
What it feels like to speak?
Drowning in the sorrow of what could be
She doesn’t see the table laid out for tea
Is this how easy it is?
A fake smile and a laugh to defy the odds
While inside she’s all but made of glass
No, she’s not breaking
Not yet. Or she says.
But looking in her eyes
U see she’s not there
No, she’s just
She is just alone
Alone in a room of friends
And all she is doing is
Staring at the wall
But then, she can pretend.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
With feelings so very endearing,
I sit and think
Its been hard to walk past
Yet harder to stop and peek
Its not been easy to say words
Yet never been easier to feel
It ain't confusion
Yet there lies a mess, unseen
With this confusion and with these feelings
I now lie down peacefully
Monday, February 23, 2009
And seal those eyes
Don't look around
Just take a peak inside
There is a human heart
Somewhere , somehow
See it? You'll find it
Just take a look around
It hides the truth
Bitter or good.
See the veins
No, they aren't just blue blooded stains
They speak of the minutes I have lived
With some form of expression on my face
Look at the heart
Yes, look at it.
Just as it thumps
And just as it
Takes the life out of me.
Friday, February 20, 2009
You are just fooling around
Open them eyes
See the world and see the sky
Look in the mirror
And look at yourself
Point out the differences
Can you even tell?
Stop searching within
You won't find it
Don't snigger, you know-it-all
Its not long before you'll fall
Thud will be the sound
When you'll finally hit the ground
And you think you will rise
Oh, but when will stop living in lies?
Come on, look beyond those eyes
Can't you see the world standing by?
Oblivious and un-noted
You walk right into darkness
And now you are invaded.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Well for me its been a journey of 10 years. Years that were faced with the widest smiles, years that were faced with tears, and years that were faced with a straight face with a look of determination in the eye. In these 10 years I have learnt to say Good Morning, the national anthem, the many carols, the UK (or is it US?) English, the "please"s and the "sorry"s and the "thank you"s. And in these years I have been me. The school trips (how about one last one sister?), the preparations for Teacher's Day, the ruckus and the quiet, the sleep inducing lectures, the bring-me-to-life upright and sometimes unheeded moral lectures, the spats between friends; the laugh till u actually roll on the floor laughing, the many sleepy I-don't-wanna-get-up mornings, the pranks as small or as large as they could be, the recent but definitely the raving powerpoint presentations, the reflection time after seeing 'em presentations, the time spent in the canteen to get that one packet of Oyes! , the times (many times) we have been caught half asleep in classes, the "you-are-young-ladies-act-like-one" dialogues and most of all a school brimming with girls and no guys in their white summer uniform marching towards whatever it is they are marching towards! And for all this I'm thankful to each and every teacher here or elsewhere, who might have spared even a single moment for us, thankful to all the sisters for all the undefinable things they have done for us, thankful to Sitaram Bhaiya, Sanjay Bhaiya, Carpenter Bhaiya, Hema Aunty and of course all the ones I might just have missed, thankful to all the classes for the n number of times they have challenged us as a class, thankful to my so called "kiddo" friends and thankful to my own class! Lets remember and be in touch!
And now with may sound repetitive but what is true, a heavy heart and that sparkling tear I'll end this with the word I started it with; So long Farewell!
Monday, February 2, 2009
To feel a little less lost
And to feel more cozy in the frost?
How about tonight?
To see the sadness disappear
And to see no fear?
How about tonight?
To sense the shadow
And to sense the not-so-hollow?
How about tonight?
To walk into the open
And to walk right to the moon?
How about tonight?
To hold yourself close
And let go of all your foes?
How about tonight?
To let the tear fall
And let the heart beat on?
How about tonight?
And how about now?
Ever felt what u needn't need to?
Ever smiled to satisfy someone's misery?
Ever tested a tested way before?
Ever smelt the bleakness?
Ever cried to think of the distance?
Ever tried to speak volumes with just one sentence?
Ever made up a strory for a smile?
Ever hung around for one night?
Ever tried to calm the sails without a fight?
Ever thought of a day without light?
Ever cringed in the face of an aura?
Ever thought about that warm sauna?
Ever looked back and found someone missing?
Ever found yourself gayily singing?
Ever saw yourself through another's eye?
Ever penetrated way within?
And I ll ask u once again ;
Ever been what u want to?
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
To be silent when all u want is to say
To speak gibberish when u can't think of much
To stay stranded when u want a is a smack on the butt
To wet your eyes when u can't let the dryness of your mouth fade
To look directly into those eyes and never find a word to say.
To hold yourself when u wanted to be held
To hear, to speak and to listen and yet feel unfelt
To be wth your friends and
To be without them
To think of words that don't make sense
To be far off yet be there with them
To share a bond above all realms
To miss and to hate; all in the same breath
To utter niceties just so
To visualize a smile on the other face
To try and hold a conversation as if its one's last gasp of breath
To fight and to make up
And to smile.
Friday, January 2, 2009
I was missing Malvika. I couldn't call her up, for I didn't remember her number; never thought I'd need to. One dredged day without this device seemed to have taken its toll on me. I was thinking what what Wacko might be upto. I could't concentrate on my notes and I had a test to give tomorrow. This was getting out of hand. I was about to lose it. As a matter of fact I think I have lost it. I need to talk> why doesn't anyone call me? God. I need a break. I need to write down something. But isn't this getting compulsive? Am I going mad? I didn't need this, this "thing" 6 months ago. I was going on with my life without it. Why do I need it now? Wahats wrong? Is it me? Am I this boring or am I this bored? Whats the difference anyways? Am I putting too much thought into this? Maybe all I need is coffee. Then I'll get down to studying. But then I am one lazy bone. And I don't really wanna get out of my cozy bedcover; not at 1:30 in the night anyways. Just a break. The night sky seems inviting. But its cold. Either way I walked out, warmly clad. And now I stare into the sky, and I miss "Nothing Else Matters". I miss my music and thus once again I'm left thinking of my cell and of some other things. I stare into the sky with empty eyes and empty thoughts. And I satre at Orion. And then I wish I was high. Then I remember what I told Saransh, "getting high doesn't solve your problems." My own words; they sounded so hollow. But I believe them. I want to believe them. Yes, I believe them. I walk back through the door, think, get myself to make a cup of coffee, think, warm my cold hands by the steaming coffee and think. I climb bakc into my bed, stare at my book and think. I think of all the moments I wished I was in, I think of the sanity-less talks I wish I was having and I think of getting back to studying. I think. Instead I switch on my music system; lower down the volume so even I can barely hear it and sit. And think. I think of what I should be doing and what I am. I think of going and doing what I should be. I think and I wait.I wait for a call on the land-line and I wait for sleep to knock me warm into my bed.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
A phone call unanswered
And a message u say was not delivered
It leads me to believe
What I needn't
It leads me think
What I shouldn't
It leads me and it leads me wrong
If that's ok let me know
For it's hard to move all alone
Just to be what you want
That's not me
No, it's just not me
You need to believe
You need to trust
And I need to know everything is not a must
And all this
It leads me to believe
What I needn't
It leads me to think
What I shouldn't
It leads me and it leads me wrong.